Ep. 15 — The Provider Trap: When Your Worth Becomes Your Paycheck

When did being a good father become the same thing as being a good earner?

In this episode of The Walk, Jake unpacks the provider identity — the silent trap that convinces men their value lives in their paycheck.

After the birth of his son, Jake found himself measuring his worth entirely by what he could provide financially. The pressure to earn more, work harder, and sacrifice everything left him burnt out, disconnected, and lost.

This episode covers the financial strain fathers carry in silence, the identity crisis when your job defines you, what happens to your family when you're physically present but emotionally gone, and how to start redefining what it truly means to provide.

If you've ever felt like your worth is tied to what you earn — this one's for you.

The Walk is a space for raw, honest, and non-judgemental conversation about fatherhood, masculinity, and men's mental health.

Follow on Instagram: @thewalk__podcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Hello everyone. Welcome back to the walk. We're in our new space now, which is pretty exciting. It's taken a little while to get settled and sorted and also started. So I just, you know, I'm appreciative of everyone who has helped, everyone who has taken the time to give me a chop out, especially my dad, who's just helped me put this space together. Obviously, with the back thing, it's been been pretty difficult to get this space sorted, but lucky enough we've got this. So now we can actually do uh podcasts whenever we feel I can smash out more episodes without any limitations and also be able to have guests. And that's the main thing. Um we talk about the rebuild a lot of the time and uh and also moving intentionally, and when this space came up, it was something that had to be done in order for this to grow. So uh as always, this is a space for you know open, honest conversation, uh all through lived experience. Uh, if this is your first time listening, uh then I encourage you to go back through the other uh 12-13 episodes that we do have, uh, and you'll get a gauge of sort of who I am and where I've been and what I do. Uh and at the moment, um, yeah, in a bit of a rebuilding stage. So, but what I wanted to do is following on from our guest episode with my friend Jaden, which has been received fantastically and and he's an awesome, awesome bloke, an absolute gentleman, and I appreciate him for being involved. I wanted to touch on um, I suppose the provider identity, and that's something that I'm dealing with heavily at the moment. Um and I think a lot of fathers are, to be fair. Uh, you know, when when I suppose when I became a father, my definition of being a good man was quite simple, and that was just to provide. Uh, you know, financially, uh, provide security and provide stability. And I think what a lot of us don't realise is we uh put such a uh scope on that being the main foundation of what we do that we can lose track of who we are and therefore we become detached and we become uh not present at home. When's I suppose when Soul was born, uh, and again I don't like to make the whole narrative about his condition and everything, but it is something that I'm a bit of an advocate for. And I think a lot of parents out there, if you are in a similar boat, then this will probably hit you a lot harder than it will those who don't. Um but when Soul was born, the pressure of being a provider hit even harder. And I think that's because I knew that uh I was going to be working ten times as hard. Now I knew as a father it was going to be difficult to uh provide, and uh, but I also thought that's that's what I'd be doing, and that's just my role, which kind of makes it a little bit easier when it's just one thing. But when it's when you're dealt with the hand that we've been dealt, and unfortunately our poor boy has been dealt, that provider mentality hits you a hell of a lot harder. Um and a a question that started to form in my mind over time and time and time again, and it still does now, is what happens when providing becomes the only way that I can measure my value? And this again is something that I'm going through right now. I did have a setback this week, my back's in quite a bit of pain. Uh the weight of responsibility when I became a father hit me as soon as I saw Sol. In a in the drop of a hat, when I saw him, I knew that my life had changed substantially. Now, when I was speaking to Jaden in the previous episode, he was saying it's such a beautiful and blissful moment, and you know, now he's starting to see the shift in him wanting stability and him wanting a bit more um, I suppose, direction moving forward. He's always been a go-with-the-flow guy, but go with the flow type of bloke, sorry. But but myself, as soon as I saw Sol, I knew that our journey was going to be extremely difficult. And I knew mine as a father was going to be extremely difficult. And it's something that I haven't dealt with fully yet. It's something that I am healing and working through. Yeah, and a lot of parents who are in a situation that we're in will understand this as well that when you are thrust into medically complex parenting, the financial burden is the thing that weighs so heavily on your shoulders. And that's something that sits on mind every single day. And that's because you unfortunately, you know, in our situation, only one of us can work, which is me. Soul needs my wife and has needed my wife more and more over the years, which has stopped her from working. So the financial burden is an absolute killer for me. And from the moment I, like I said, did see him, I went straight into provider mode. And the fear that I've always carried is probably failing my family financially. So everything that I do, I've never let it fail. I've never let it uh because that's what we do as fathers, I'll be, I'll be honest. That's what I feel we do. We we won't let it fail, we won't let it impact our family. But obviously, there is a lot of stress and a lot of weight that does get carried with being in these situations. And I think it's because we have this societal pressure and measure of men. Um and the it's a measure that I don't really agree with, and I think a lot of people my age don't agree with, but we sort of measure men a lot by their work, so what they do, what they earn, and how busy they are. Um and if a man is, you know, exhausted, overworked, and never home, we we actually call him responsible, which is far from the truth, and I think it's a crock of shit. And I think it's because the the prior generations, which I've touched on a lot, um, they had no other choice. Uh and they were only taught from the generations before them how to be an adult, how to be a man, how to be a provider. Whereas for us, uh we I feel that if we slow down and we choose family time um, you know, over work, or we choose working on ourselves over other people's needs, all of a sudden we are called selfish. And I've felt that so much in my journey, and especially my journey in the last few uh months uh with being off, it's almost like people look at me in a different way and and they judge me because I'm not at work and I'm not thrashing my body and I'm not thrashing my mind and I'm not stressing about work and I'm not coming home and talking about all the bullshit that I don't give a fuck about, which is my day-to-day job. And again, I've spoken about it really early on that you know, I have to be in a position of leadership, I have to be in a position of, I suppose, power to get that remuneration to be able to make me more fulfilled financially for my family. Um, but it's not fulfilling for me whatsoever. And that's the juggle that I constantly deal with. And the and the being praised for overworked, like I always think when we tell people, well, people ask us, how is work? And we say, Oh, it's fuck, it's flat out, it's flat stick, haven't had time to be like, Oh, that's good, you'd you'd rather be busy. It's like, well, no, I'd actually rather have that nice balance between having work and between having my family. We shouldn't glorify someone being busy and overworked and just detached from from their from themselves, but also from their loved ones. And then you you start to realise over time you feel guilty for slowing down. Like right now, where I am, I feel extremely guilty every single day that I wake up that I'm not doing more, I suppose, for my wife, for my family, for us financially. We're trying to buy a house. How does that look? Where there's so many things that are going on, but you almost feel uh like less of a human being because you've slowed down. And society have this shit, shit fucking thing of celebrating people who are burnt out. Like even when you listen to I do listen to a lot of other podcasts, and I like to try and understand where the people are coming from, but it's always like you've got to be the hardest worker in the room. You've got to be yes, you do have to be the hardest worker in the room, and yes, you do have to put in the time and energy, and yes, you do have to, you know, exhaust yourself to it to a degree a lot of the time, but it should not be the norm. You should have to be able to switch gears, drop down a gear and and relax sometimes. And and I feel I feel a lot of judgment at the moment, um, not gonna lie. Uh not from people my age. So this is the crazy part. The people my age are kind of like, well, mate, it fucking sucks, it must be hard. You're in an environment you don't want to be in. Um, you know, living with family and stuff, it's extremely difficult, especially with two young kids. But you're doing this podcast, you're doing amazing work and you're helping others out. Whereas the older generations are kind of like, well, you know, when's you back better? When are you back at work? And it's like, well, just fucking relax. Like, this is a sign that I need to slow down. And I'm sick of having to constantly be under pressure to prove my worth to other people, and that's what it feels like. Um, I've spoken about it before with, you know, family members and stuff not holding a safe space for us, um, younger ones, because they I find it's either a thing of jealousy or it's a thing of, you know, I've worked for 40 years, and it's like, well, fantastic, you did what you needed to do, but that doesn't sit well with me. And it's becoming extremely difficult to manage the different personalities and the different judgment of people. And I'm very much one to be like, well, fuck everyone else, and I'm just gonna worry about myself, and I'm gonna worry about my family. But when you're in an environment all the time, especially now that we're closer to all family, like it's not just my family who we're living with, we're closer to all family. Like Easter was just like it was beautiful. We get to catch up with with different members of the family and stuff, but it's just the judgment. It's the judgment of me being sore and injured. Like I said, I had a setback, I've tweaked my back again, I've had a flare up, and I've been struggling to walk. Like sitting hurts, laying hurts. Fucking giving my kids a cuddle hurts. Um, and it's the constant judgment that you are put under. Uh there was a moment at Easter where I was sitting outside with Sol because it was so loud inside for him. He's got this real sensory overload issues at the moment, and we we m mediate it by, you know, putting headphones on him and stuff, and and he's been great with it. Uh, he does get a pretty overwhelmed at times, and you have to settle him down, but it's just like the judgment of other people. Like I could feel it, I could just feel the daggers at me for sitting outside and not sitting inside and feeding my son. And I was just like, just everyone fucking let me have this moment with my son. You know, I'm in a moment of life where I'm getting to see uh my youngest Atlas go from one to two, um, and I'm getting to see Soul go from four to five, and I'm getting the luxury to be able to actually spend time with him before his surgery, which is something I've never had before. I've worked right up until his surgeries, every time, and it fucking kills me because like I out of anyone I should be able to sit there and have the most amount of time with my son. Uh, and I feel like at the moment a lot of my time is getting robbed, and that's something that I have to deal with, something that I have to really get comfortable with, and it's very uncomfortable to be sitting there and thinking about this and being put in those situations, but it's just something that I thought I'd share because yeah, society's measure of a man is fucking bullshit, and we constantly keep praising those who are burnt out and worn out, but we're not praising those who are taking the time to step back and enjoy uh life, I suppose, and get back with their true selves. We do hide a lot of stuff inside work, and I know that because I used to be that person, and work is I suppose a place where a lot of men probably feel safe, um, and that's because we can switch off and just focus on the the task at hand, but also if you're good at your job, and it's not me being cocky, but I'm very fucking good at my job uh in construction, and when I'm in that environment, I feel respected, in control, and very competent at my role. And when work has disappeared for me, I started to see something pretty confronting, and that was I don't really know who I am without it. And I think a lot of us don't know who we are without it because we get uh judged and because we get questioned and because we get disrespected when we aren't working. It's almost like a sign of weakness when really the the sign of strength is probably in softness, and I've spoken about that before, and that's what I want my sons to understand is there is so much strength in being soft. Now, I'm not saying you've got to be, you know, poor me, poor me all the time, a body this, my body that, but it's like me with my injury at the moment. Like, I have to be soft, I have to watch my body. My wife's telling me constantly to slow down, but societal pressures are making me want to keep doing the things that I normally do, and it's extremely fucking taxing. Um being in that construction space, I see it even more. And I I think it's such a sad thing. Like when I worked FIFO and I was traveling here, there, and everywhere, there were so many guys who absolutely loved it, and then because they're like, the ball and chain at home's not bothering me, the kids aren't fucking screaming at me, and then they go home for their week of RR, and then I was ready to come back after two days, and I was like, Well, that's so sad because to me that's a sign of someone who's never really sat with themselves and got comfortable with themselves, but also appreciate that you've got people at home who love and adore you for who you are, and we tie masculinity a lot to productivity. So, guys who are like, Oh, I'm fucking gun at my job and I'm this and I'm that, it's like, yeah, but who are you behind closed doors? Who are you at home? I notice that a lot when I'm in construction when I've been working. Like, I work with some guys and I think it's very it's so painful to deal with, but then when you're outside of work, they're probably some of the best, best blokes I've ever met in my life. And I'm like, why can't you carry that energy into your day? Like, I've always pride myself on being a leader that people want to work with or work on my sites, and I think that's because I carry such a nice balance. Like, I know I value home, but I also do at times value my job and value work. Um and you can sometimes feel probably feeling respected at work and sometimes be lost at home, and that's not because you've got a shit wife or you've got a shit partner or terrible kids, it's probably more around the fact that uh you've got children who are testing boundaries. And home is home is not a workplace, so you trying to stamp your authority isn't going to work a lot of the time. Uh, because children don't react to that well. I found that out uh firsthand, especially being home more with this injury. I've noticed firsthand they don't react well to trying to demand their respect. Um, it's you've really got to earn it. And like I said, there is that identity crisis when work does stop. And the identity crisis has probably shifted as well into like this internal conflict that I keep carrying within myself. And I think that's there's been times where I've sat with my children, I'm with my kids, and I'm mentally somewhere else. And I I just don't there's times where I don't know how to get out of that. And I think a lot of people can relate to that. You know, you're thinking about work, you think about the responsibilities, your problems, and then when that starts happening, I I start getting really guilty. So all of a sudden I'm carrying all this worry and and all this questioning, and my mind's so full, and and and I'm just everything feels so cluttered, but then all of a sudden guilt piles on, and I'm just like, what the fuck is this? Like, how do you deal with that as a human like you know, as a father? And I think that's because the truth is sort of simple. The only place that actually matters is right there with them, right then and there. So that phone gets switched off, that email can wait, that phone call can wait. Um and I see that a lot with again the older generations where they're constantly working, they're constantly on their phones. Like, I feel terrible if I'm on my phone for more than, I don't know, 10 minutes, and I've got to do it for this podcast. Sometimes I've got a lot of the time I've got scheduled content, I've got research that I'm trying to do, I'm replying to DMs or applying because we're trying to grow this, and I catch myself and I'm like, fuck, the kids are there, I could put this away and I'll put it away. Um, but the older ones, they just don't care. Like I've I've seen so many times with uh with with older generations and people, you know, who want to hang out with the with the kids or the grandkids. Like, I walk out and like they're sitting there and they're on a tablet or they're on a phone, and it's like just step back. Step back and enjoy this moment because sooner or later you're not gonna have this moment. Like, I'm not gonna have that moment. My kids are gonna grow up and probably not need me at some point, and and that's heartbreaking. But that's our job as parents is to grow them and get them prepared for the real world. But these other people, like, you know, all they want is time with the kids, time with the grandkids, time with the nieces, time with the nephews, but then you're spending it on your phone sitting there, and I and I do I catch it constantly. And but then if I'm on mine for something that I genuinely need, because I'm trying to build and grow something, there's judgment. So this is where the narrative needs to change. And we need to start getting we can be physically present, but we also need to make sure that we're mentally present at the same time. Um and that's something that I'm huge on, and something that I'm working on. And you probably re you don't realize it at the time, but you're missing a lot of moments. Like, I've been there before where the kids have done something uh for the first time, you know, building a certain tower or blocks and it hasn't fallen over, and they're like, da da da da. And I'm not even there, I'm somewhere else, and that kills me because I pride myself on trying to be present. Um, and they're the moments that have shifted my mentality a lot of the time. And there is, like I said, an emotional guilt that will follow, and it's about controlling that guilt and moving forward in the best way possible, and that's something you need to do. You need to be able to work through that guilt, um, sit there and have that support person uh with you, which is you know, I'm very lucky, I've got my wife, and she sits there with me and she tells me I'm doing the right thing and I'm on the right path, and I appreciate that, and I love her so much. But yeah, it's a you know you've gotta you're always gonna have that guilt, especially when it comes to children, but it's about moving through those moments and childhood moves really fucking fast. And if you're not a parent, you won't get this. If you are a parent, you'll understand this completely. Or if you are someone who's trying to become a parent, I need to- I need you to listen to this part pretty clearly. Childhood moves extremely fast. All of a sudden, my boy soul is almost five. And Atlas is gonna be two this year, and it's like, where the hell have those five years gone? Where has the two years of Atlas gone? Uh and every time I speak to someone who's older, they always say one thing. And that one thing is, I wish I had spent more time with my kids. Every single one of them have said that, and that should tell us something as parents and as fathers. Watching Soul and Atlas grow just has just proved to me over this time how quickly that time does fly and how quickly it does go. And what I've noticed is time is temporary, but all your problems and your work and everything are always going to be there, but their childhood won't. So those hours after work, those hours after uh, you know, uh on weekends, those hours that you you have the ability to be able to sit with them instead you're scrolling. Don't get me wrong, no judgment, I do it too. But those moments are their childhood and that's what they're going to remember. My perspective's probably changed a lot because I am off and I am injured, and I am noticing a lot of this now. But prior to that I was guilty, just as a lot of us are guilty of the same things. Um But yeah, I just wanted to make that that is probably the one key takeaway for a lot of people is that childhood moves so fast, and you know, it's it's very temporary. I read somewhere that it's like you only, you know, by the time they're 18, you've only had 18, if you're lucky, 18 summers with them, 18 winters, 18 autumns, 18 springs. You really only get your child as a baby for one year, then you have them for a toddler for like three or four years, and all of a sudden, you know, if they go to the school system, they're thrust into school. Um, where all of a sudden they start making friends, they do all this, and that's part of their growth, but you slowly start to get pushed to the back, and and and that that that hits hard, especially if you're not a present parent. You can't get that time back. So make the best use of your time. And that's something that, again, we work on, I work on daily. But being attached to your being attached to your work um also has a massive impact on your marriage. And it doesn't just affect fathers, it affects marriages and it affects the wives. Um it affects our loved ones probably more than we realise. Because when you're exhausted and you're mentally drained and you're stressed, your partner often has to carry more. And the hardest part probably isn't the argument, it's the silence that you probably that you sit in because stress shows up a lot through emotional absence. When I've been exhausted and burnt out from work, I get shocking headaches, I get worn out, I just want to sleep, my fuse is so short. So all of a sudden, my wife's walking on eggshells around me, and the kids then in turn are walking on eggshells around me. And you don't realize it at the time, but they're the things that need to change, they're the things that need to stop. Um because if it's a partnership. So whether you if you're married or not, like you you're in a partnership with this person, you hold the responsibility of having a child. You have a child, that's a massive responsibility. I think some people abuse that responsibility, some people aren't worthy of that responsibility. But all in all, it does not matter if you do have a child, you are responsible for that child, and it's sure as hell you need to make sure that you are there for them every step of the way. When I am, like I said, burnt out, and when I have been tired, my wife carries so much. It's the additional cooking she needs to do, it's the additional time with the kids she needs to have, and she doesn't get a break either. Like our situation, if you've got medically complex kids, your days don't stop. Especially as a mother. Like, and again, me being home, I've noticed all this. I said to her the other day, I was like, I don't know how you've done this on your own for this many years. You know, like you, it's the drops for soul all the time, it's trying to manage the two-year-olds trying to just do simple tasks like clean the kitchen or cook some breakfast or feed yourself or go to the bathroom without being disturbed, and you know, and and it's just this constant like tunnel of like stress and that the that the mothers are put under, and then you come home and because you're so burnt out, because you're worrying about something that is always going to be there, um, but the time's not going to be there, you you can't carry that additional weight or that additional load. And I truly believe that a marriage starts once you have children. Because prior to that, you've got no responsibilities, except for you the two of you. You want to move somewhere, you move there. You want to go out for the night and have a few drinks, you can go do that. You want to, yeah, you want to go and do anything in life, you can go and do it. But marriage truly starts once you have kids. And for us, like we didn't, we got married, we and then uh we got married, then all of a sudden, within a year, we had our first we had our first, we had soul. And we didn't get any honeymoon, we didn't get none of those fairy tale things that you think you're gonna get as a parent. Um, we yeah, we got absolutely none of that. And we were talking about that recently where we haven't really had a lot of time for ourselves. Um very lucky that we'd been together for that five five years prior. Um and we'd moved away, we'd traveled a little bit for work, but we we'd never gone overseas together, like just the two of us, or done any of that. And now being in the situation we are in with our kids and young ones and soul and you know the light sensitivities and all that that he has, we can't really do anything. Um, holidays and going overseas, and you know, because I'd love to go to Italy and walk around and eat fucking focaces and pizza and and drink red wine day in, day out with with with no repercussions. But um, yeah, like a marriage truly starts after you have children, and that will tell you whether you're right for each other or not. And if it's telling you that you're not, then that's where the tough marriage cycles begin, and you need to work through them together. You both need to be on the same page, and that's something that I am so appreciative of is my wife. And I'll touch on that in um episodes coming, but marriage is it's a again, it's a privilege, and I think we we need to make the right choice on our life partner. That would depict whether you're successful or not. Um, and I'm very lucky that I have a beautiful wife and a understanding wife, and one that um pushes me to my limits in a positive way and trusts me with everything that I do. And your partner actually what they need a lot of the time is love, time, patience, and presence. Um they obviously they do need the financial stability, they do need all that, but at the same time, what I'm realizing is she needs a lot of time too. She doesn't get a lot of time for herself. Um, and the time that she does get is usually spent with me. And if I'm a burnt-out, worn-out fucking human being, she's not getting great downtime. And it takes a, you know, takes a lot of work. Marriage and partnerships take a hell of a lot of fucking work. And there's something that needs to be uh yeah, it's slow and steady. And then and that that whole theory that I have of it's progression over perfection, that is a marriage. And that's what needs to happen for or in order for your marriage to flourish. We're always learning, my wife and I, to communicate better. Um, always learning how to be more emotionally uh available, but also unavailable. Like if if I don't have the capacity, I will say to her, I don't have the capacity for this. And she will say the same to me. And I think, you know, it's one of those things, I'm sure a lot of men will relate to this and wives as well. It feels like when you don't have the capacity, all of a sudden your partner doesn't have the capacity. But it's about moving through those times with the right intention and the right foot forward. Um, because your your wife and your partner need you more than ever, and you need them more than ever, especially when you are being um in these young years of of parenthood. Um, like I said, we've got one soul that's four, and Atlas that's two, and it's fuck it is chaos. And there are times where I'm like, I just don't want to talk to any of you, I don't want to be around any of you, and it's not a healthy way to deal with it. Um and it's not an offensive stab at them either. Um I'll make that quite clear. It is just that I'm so frazzled and so burnt out sometimes, and as she is, we just need our own space. Stepping sort of into that providing, again, I think we should redefine provision. Um, you know, it should be more than financial security, it should also be emotional presence, stability, um, and patience. And they because your kids don't remember how hard you worked. They'll remember with every time you showed up. I know that. Like, I I know how hard my dad worked now that I'm older, or my mum worked now that I'm older, and I understand why they did what they did. But it's the times I always remember of when they were away, or when they did go and do um or when we went away as a family, or when we went and spent time together. They're the things that I remember so clearly. Because presence outweighs finances every single time. And I'll keep saying that. I'm very passionate about that, and I'll continue to push that towards people. Being present, I suppose, is being intentional. And it can look like putting your phone down, leaving technology in another room, getting on the floor with your kids and engaging with them on their level. And that's something that again um requires full presence, not just half attention. So you could, yeah, reduce your phone use, send that email later on if you need to. Um be really intentional and engage with the kids fully. My my advice to fathers uh who feel trapped between probably pressure and family time um is that work will always be there, and again, family time won't. So take that away from today's conversation, um, an episode more than anything, that that work will always be there. You're always gonna need to send an email, you're always gonna need to do something, but the time with your family won't be there, and it's so precious and it's so crucial to enjoy that time and be intentional and present in that moment because it goes so fucking fast. I'll close it out around probably the the the father that my children will remember. And I've written this down here is when my kids are older, if they describe the kind of father I was, I hope they don't talk about how hard I worked. I hope they say something much simpler. That he spent time with us, that we felt heard, and that he was there. Because providing matters, but presence matters more. I'm Jake Donnelly, and this is the walk.