Episode 12: Pressure Always Goes Somewhere

Pressure doesn’t just disappear.

It builds.
It sits.
And eventually… it comes out.

In this episode of The Walk, Jake dives deep into the reality of pressure — how it shows up in men, in fathers, and in everyday life. From emotional shutdown to irritability, silence, and mental overload, this is an honest conversation about what really happens when we carry too much for too long.

Drawing from lived experience, Jake opens up about the weight of providing, parenting, injury, and internal battles — and how pressure doesn’t just affect you, it impacts your partner, your children, and the entire energy of your home.

This episode explores:

• Why “I’m just stressed” often means something much deeper
• How men unintentionally push pressure onto the people they love
• The connection between emotional suppression and anger
• How childhood and upbringing shape how we handle stress
• The impact of emotional absence in relationships and fatherhood
• Why pressure always goes somewhere — and how to redirect it

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, shut down, or like you’re carrying more than you can handle… this episode is for you.

Because the truth is simple:

If you don’t choose where your pressure goes…
It will choose for you.

About The Walk

The Walk is a podcast for men and fathers navigating identity, pressure, mental health, and purpose through real, lived experience.

Hosted by Jake Donnelly, this podcast is built on honest conversations — not surface-level advice.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Hello everyone. Uh welcome back to the walk. We're up to episode twelve now. Um and I thought this week we would start talking probably around pressure. Um pressure is something that that always goes somewhere. Um and having the time to reflect in these last lot of weeks, I've had the opportunity to really uh sit with a lot of stuff as we've d as I've discussed over the the journey thus far. And something that I've been sitting with um which has become probably a bit uncomfortable is that that theory of pressure always goes somewhere. Um and it's not just about, I suppose, stress. Um, it's it's actually about pressure. I feel like there's a lot of pressure that we hold as uh individuals, um, especially uh as fathers. And with the weight of injury, the weight of providing, and the weight of uncertainty, I find that a lot of men don't explode because we're angry. We explode because we've been silent for too long. And I know when pressure starts to build up on me, um, I do get a lot of physical symptoms, uh, which can look like burnout, breakdown. I get a lot of muscle soreness, neck pain, jaw pain, immediate headaches. And this has been happening quite a fair bit since I've been uh one off with the injury, but two, also at home and exposed to a lot more parenting, I suppose, than I would if I was at work. Uh, you know, my my self-talk is something that I have to work quite heavily on. It is quite negative a lot of the time, uh, and it is something that will get better, um, as long as I want it to get better, I suppose. But it does uh does take a toll. Um, I'm very quick to be one to go within myself um and tell myself that you know you're not good enough, you're shit out, you're fucking worthless. And I think a lot of us do that under pressure because we don't really know how to regulate or control those emotions. Uh when I'm stressed, I suppose a lot of the time I feel like I'm drowning. Uh that's probably the best way I could explain it. It's a sense of that I'm every so often my head's just above water and I get a gasp of air, and then I'm back under and I'm struggling for breath. And I think that's something a lot of people can relate to. A lot of people I speak to in my journey feel the exact same way that they are drowning. And it's not an easy place to get out of, but it does get a lot easier once you start talking and being open with it and really uh not avoiding it uh and working through it in a in a certain way, whether that be through, like I've said before, journaling or even speaking to a professional. Uh, there's no shame in that whatsoever. I've just started working with a coach, which is sort of like a life coach, which will hopefully allow me to gain a bit more clarity. One about who I am, um, also how people perceive me and also help me on my path moving forward. And stress really is probably surface level, then inadequacy is probably what's the underlying issue with a lot of us. And I feel that a lot of the time I feel inadequate. I don't feel like I'm up to up to speed with what I should be. I don't feel like I'm a good father, I don't feel like uh I'm a good employee at times, and and and it's having this time to reflect and and have this clarity around these this this sort of thing of pressure has really opened my eyes up a lot to how I want to move forward from now and how I'm going to work extremely hard and tirelessly behind the scenes to get better, be better, and also work through these these issues better. I share with you guys a lot about my son soul and uh the journey I've had there, and I try not to make his medical thing my uh narrative because he's got his own burdens, and I don't think I should take that away from him. It's his own journey. It's just you know, being a parent and a caregiver, it's extremely difficult. But there are there are some regrets from that medical journey, yeah, especially early days being emotionally unavailable. Um I don't wish for those times again, and I'm gonna have to keep having those times. Uh, but definitely there is some regret there, and I'm someone who tries to hold like no regrets whatsoever. Um I obviously we all have some, but you know, we do what we do at the time and what it's what we feel is right with the tools we have, and but looking back and having hindsight now that time's passed, I definitely feel a lot of regret. Uh, how I handled certain situations, how I handled pressure. Um, I still remember I've been thinking about this a lot lately. There was a point in time after his first big surgery uh that he had a feeding tube in, we had to take him home, and the feeding tube that said if it comes out, it can block his airways. And if that does happen, take it out and bring him back. And it was only like two days later it came out. And I look back and I remember driving all these other every hospital pretty much said, Don't bring him to us, take him to the children's, they know his his condition. And I remember driving my wife and him uh late at night to the uh rural children's and dropping them off because I had work the next day, and I was worrying more about work than my son's well-being, and it was just too much for me. I felt like the world was caving in at me on me at the time. We'd just been through that whole surgery surgery debacle, not debacle, but like the whole surgery thing and the unknown. And then that happened, and I just I just remember thinking, I can't miss work, I need to work. But what I was really doing was just like shutting myself off from the actual issue and and heading into um a world of being emotionally unavailable. And I've been sitting there of late, and it does make me a little bit upset when I think about it because like I left my wife there and I left my son there because I couldn't myself handle the emotional side of things and the toll that it was taking on me, not taking into consideration how my wife was feeling or how he was feeling. And I hold a lot of regret around that moment. It's something that sits with me a lot of the time, especially of late, you know. Um there's a lot of guilt there, and a lot of guilt that probably won't uh ever be removed from my memory. It'll probably just sit there and stay and be something that I have to deal with and work through. And that's what I find being a medically, you know, complex parent of a child with medical needs is you a lot of the time you're playing this big juggling act of you're so stressed, so burnt out, so exhausted all the time, you're not giving them your full amount, even if you are at home, because you're so worried about them, worried about their future, worried about what their life's going to look like, um, how they'll prosper as they move through life. Um, and you start to really take a lot of stuff for granted. And it's those moments like that moment, like not that I wish that we had that moment back, but I wish that I could go back in time and sit there with my wife, comfort her, and also just let Sol know that I was there and and I'm I'm beside him and I trust him and I love him. And um, but I just thought I'd share that because that was a time when I was under immense pressure, and my pressure went into emotionally shutting off and not being able to be my true self and be that carer and provider and man and male in my family's life that they needed at the time. And I've been thinking over this this time as well, and I thought it was for a long time, but sort of pressure, so it leaks sideways. Um, and what I mean by leak sideways is we bottle it up, we keep it inside, and then we don't really do anything with it. Um, and I'll you know, I've always said I'll be honest with you with all the listeners, and and it's you know, that's what I pride myself on. But the way pressure over the years has leaked sideways for me has been probably a lot through um depression. I've struggled very, very heavily with depression. People might not think it. It started early years. I was always the clown, always the one everyone wanted to be around. Um, I was the life of the party. I was a bit of an idiot at times, a bit of a larrican, a bit of a bit of a dick to some people who were around me, but all in all, my intentions were in the best place. Uh, and you know, being a young man, trying to grow up in this world, it is confusing, and you do make mistakes, but I was looking back now and probably some point to a degree now, still struggle with areas of depression. Not as much now. I'm getting better with it through working through things and and moving intentionally through life, but there was a point in time where I still remember driving home from a mate's house one night, and I felt just wasn't feeling myself. I didn't really feel anything, to be honest. But I was there and I was smiling, and we were having a few drinks and passed a joint around and did all that type of stuff, and I shouldn't have been driving at the time. And people can say it might have been the joint that made your mind go there, but it's definitely it definitely wasn't. Uh it was a built-up, bottled-up emotions over time. And I remember driving home, um, and this was in East Bentley at the time, and I saw a tree in front of me, and I just thought, well, if I drive my car at that tree fast enough, it I won't feel anything, and I'm not going to be missed. And I remember driving at that tree pretty, pretty heavily and then swerving from away from the tree. And luckily it was about two in the morning, three in the morning, no one was around, and never really shared that story with anyone except for one or two people. But um, yeah, it it that's how pressure sort of has leaped sideways for me, and a lot of at times suicidal thoughts. Not now, so I can speak openly about it. I want to speak openly about it so that I can, you know, hopefully help someone who feels like they're going through the same thing. But there were a lot of times where there was the thoughts of it'd be better off if I wasn't here. Life would be and my family would be a lot happier if I wasn't. The pain of life, and I suppose the pain of uh everything that we were going through would um would be gone and I wouldn't have to deal with it. It was only sort of recently, probably in the last year or so, I spoke to my wife about it. Um I'd spoken to her over the time. She knew that I was struggling with stuff, you know, we've been together 10 years. And over that time she has seen sort of the growth and then also the decay, and then the growth and decay. And um, but I I released a country music project uh sometime last year, and the first song was called A Letter from Me to You, and it was actually a letter that I'd written to my wife after we'd had Seoul, and uh I didn't think that I was needed here anymore on this earth. Um and that's yeah, it's something hard to talk about because I look now and you know I've got a beautiful family and um and and a beautiful beautiful wife and beautiful kids. Um but there was a point in time where I that's that's how I thought it was going to be best to handle that uh that situation, and it definitely wasn't going to be. It was only gonna put her in in more hurt and and uh in a worse spot. And I think now like uh soul relies so heavily on me as that you know that male presence in the house that I uh yeah, I'm very grateful that I'd never delivered that letter, and it's a letter that sat there for a long time, and it wasn't going to be uh uh build-up to it, it was just gonna be leave that letter somewhere and tell them I'm going to work and not come home. And I'd planned it out and everything. And that was when I started to realize that I needed to get help and I need to work on how pressure affects me. And I'm so grateful that I am aware enough that I can work through those things. There's some people aren't, but I just want to with share with people that if you are in that moment, there are better ways to handle it, there are better ways to deal with it, there are better ways to um work through those points in time, and it's not the end. And everything will pass, the good times will pass, the bad times will pass, and um, if you if you're in a point of your life right now where everything feels bad and everything feels like a struggle and you feel like you're not good enough, it's not because um you're not good enough, it's purely because you um are just stuck. And it is, I'm telling you from experience, it's extremely hard to get out of there. But the first step is talking. Um, you know, and in those times, and those periods of times well, I just wasn't a good person to be around, and I wasn't emotionally available for my son, for my wife, for for anyone really. Um that I've gotten through that, I still have times where pressure builds and pressure really wears away at me. Like, and it sort of transfers now into like outbursts or silence, or even like I was talking about before, physical symptoms. And when I say outbursts, it's not physical or abusive outbursts, it's just I'll bottle it up, bottle it up, and then it just all comes out. And then it's like, Whoa, where the fuck did that come from? Um, you know, sometimes my wife will go, I think there's something deeper to this than you know, me making a joke or us having a little bicker and really got to work through those things and and and like pressure doesn't disappear when it's you know, when ignored, it it probably transfers and it transfers into those various things that I've just discussed and spoken about. So um the one thing I did want to touch on in this is marriage under pressure, and that's something that we go through on the daily. Um, and sometimes it feels like every minute, every hour, we go through this time and time again. As a couple, um my wife will sense it well before we even speak about it. She will tell me um what's going on, or ask me what's going on, or I can see this, or I can see that, and it definitely uh you don't realize at the time, but how much it actually changes the mood and changes the dynamic of a home. Um, and yeah, you you need to make sure that you are emotionally present for your family, um, and admit sort of that I suppose you need to admit that you're struggling and not just shrug it off um because it feels like complaining. And that's sort of something we're going through at the moment. We're in that limbo period um where I'm grateful. I'm at my parents' house after selling. We've gone through all this in previous episodes, but we're struggling heavily, especially myself with this injury one, being in an environment that's not catered to us, if that makes sense. So much I'm not expecting my parents to change the whole dynamic of their home for my two children, but their house is set up for them and it can be really chaotic, and they do their best, and I could see it it worries them as well. Like, are we doing enough? Are we not? And they they are doing enough, and I probably don't tell them that a lot of the time, and you know, I love and adore them and I appreciate them taking us into their home. But um it would go through a period, my wife and I, where it sort of feels like once you step into that environment, all the happiness and the good stuff that you you're trying to go through as a family just disappears. And you know, the kids don't the kids are unaware of it, but then they're also not unaware of it, if that makes sense. Like you can mask it for only so long before the kids start noticing that something's wrong and something's up, and and you know, especially with the two of us, we we pride ourselves on communication, but of late we probably haven't been communicating as we should be. Um, and it definitely feels like our marriage is under a lot of pressure. We don't know what we're doing, where we're going, where we're gonna move to, how that looks, how we're gonna afford it. Don't know how long I'll be off for. Um, these are all things that I'm sure a lot of families go through, but we're definitely going through it at the moment. And like I said, the whole house feels with like I've got a four-year-old kid who's asking me what's wrong. Um and I don't want my worries and my burdens to be stuck on him and to be his problem. But when you it's so hard to mask it, is what I'm trying to get at. Like it's harder to mask it than it is to actually speak about it. Um and and providing is important, but providing isn't leading. That's something that I've I've jotted down and I've written in my my my diary of late is leadership requires emotional availability. So when I look at leadership, um I look at being able to accompany a lot of various needs, a lot of various people, and a lot of different characteristics and dynamics and personalities, and that's what a family is. No person in that family are the same. So to be a good leader, you need to be emotionally available for all of them, including yourself. And acknowledging um when someone is struggling and creating that safe space for them, but also acknowledging when you're struggling, creating and and hoping that they facilitate and have a safe space for you. Um and that's purely purely because that's what a good leader in my eyes does. When I'm at work, when I'm running crews or looking after a job, I find that uh being a good leader is really trying to understand people. It's more people-based skills than it is uh actual hands-on skills. You utilize people to their strengths, but also build up their weaknesses. And I think and and and and and not tell them that their weaknesses, just notice that, like, you know, um John over there isn't as good uh on this aspect of the job as he is with this. So what I'll do is I'll utilize him here for now, but when we've got downtime, I'm gonna put him over there and test him. And not test him so he fails, but just like sort of guide him into that so he upskills in that area so that moving forward, he's better or more useful across broader aspects of work fronts. And that's what a family is like as well. You need to be able to do that for your family. Um, but yeah, the the first the first thing I would say is whether it's in a marriage or a friendship or or even just internally, acknowledging that you're struggling is the first step to seeking support. And you need to do that, and you need to do it without any fear, without any worry, and without any concern. It's a tough one, Prussia, because as men we're sort of taught to function and not feel. And I've been having this conversation with a good friend of mine, um, well, one of my best mates, I love him to death. He's fucking the best bloke. And I've been talking to him of late and um uh a fair bit about this, and and and the issue that I find is yeah, we're not really taught to to feel, we're taught to function and provide and be. And I feel like once we start giving away more of ourselves, because we feel like we need to give away more of ourselves to function at a higher level, uh we don't actually know how to move through the layers of what we're feeling. Um, because with obviously more more work and more providing and more reliability from other that other people require comes more stress and more pressure, and we're not really taught how to um how to how to manage that. And strength has always sort of years over the years has been modeled as hard work, long hours, and emotional quietness, just keeping things to yourself, get on, get on with it and do what a man would do. And and I was touched on in episode 11. I think it's purely because the older generations didn't have the distractions we have. Like if you if if you were back back in those days and you were feeling like shit, you had to sit with that, deal with it, and move forward. Whereas now we escape it. And a big thing that I've been working on is when I am feeling shit, or when I am feeling down, or when I'm feeling frustrated or angry, is like allowing that emotion to sit there and allow it to be a part of the the day. Not ruin the day, but allow it to be part of the day so that way I can just go, okay, I felt that. It was shit, it lasted an hour, got through it. Whereas if we try and mask it and we try and hide it, um, it ends up dragging out for the whole day, maybe even to the next day, and it just makes you not a good person to be around. And stored emotion then in turn becomes pressure because then the the emotion that we're storing, we start worrying about, then we start worrying we need to fix it, and then we start thinking, how are we gonna fix it? And all of a sudden we start putting all this pressure on ourselves. So pressure, you know, goes usually into marriage, uh, health, or your kids, but really it should go into to healing. Um, and that's what I've done with this podcast and with things that I'm doing outside of this podcast is I'm now trying to change the script so that the pressure that I'm feeling isn't going just to uh my wife, my kids, my health. It's actually going into healing and causing me to want to heal. And that's something that has been a very long journey. It has been an extremely long journey for me. It's been an extremely long journey for my wife. You know, even over the four years that we've had Seoul and nearly two years we've had Atlas, it's still working on myself and ensuring that the pressure that I'm feeling doesn't go to the kids. Um, and doesn't go to my wife either, but I will speak to her about the pressure that I'm feeling. And sometimes it feels like a broken. Record and it feels like you're failing, and it feels all those things, but it's like I said, speaking about it is the first step to seeking support. Um, and that's something that is that is massive. I encourage everyone to seek support, regardless of what that support looks like. You need to um yeah, seek it. However, that looks for you, whatever's comfortable for you. Like I said, I've tried the psychology thing, didn't work for me, but I highly recommend it to other people that it can work, and and and I've I've heard great things. Um, I did the social worker stuff that we were put through through the Rural Children's, and that seemed to uh help a fair bit. And now working with this coach, like she's fantastic. I'm so excited to see where this all leads. And we're gonna do a behavioural report and see, like I said, how I operate, how people perceive me, what my good traits are, what traits need working on. And it's all just stuff that betters yourself. And the hard bit that I think um a lot of people struggle with, especially men when you are providing, is all these things cost money. And that's probably the biggest hurdle for people to get over is that it costs the families money or it costs their money, and people might not have that money. There's a lot of free services out there, there are a lot of uh great places, podcasts, whatever that may just in ignite that um that fire in you to go and seek the support you require. I I don't believe you should be treating your podcasts or online services um or doing online research to try and heal yourself. You do need someone in your corner, you need someone backing you and someone who is unbiased. But that's definitely a good place to start. Um start thinking about who you are, what things trigger you, what things make, and and be open to your partner. And if your partner can't facilitate that space for you, then have that conversation with them as well. Because I'm sure as hell I've spoken to a lot of men over time, and I'm uh and one thing I have seen is it's sort of 50-50. Some men have that at home and they're blessed to have that support. Other men don't. And I think that's just from a breakdown of communication. If you feel like it's a one-sided affair, like you're giving all your time and energy to her needs and her worries, and you're not getting anything in return, then that conversation needs to be sparked. And that's what we do in our relationship. There's times where it feels like I'm giving more to my wife than I'm getting in return. And there's other times where I she probably feels like I'm getting more than she's getting in return, but it's all just communication and it can't break down. I'll close it out, uh, this one, um, soon. But it just, I suppose it's more like if you're carrying pressure right now, you don't you don't need to harden up. Um, you don't need to man up and get on with it. You just need somewhere safe for it to go. And again, I would highly recommend seeking support. If financial worries is your thing, then I know for a fact you can go to the doctor, you can get a mental health plan. I think you get could be wrong here, but I'm sure I'm sure it's between 10 to 13 subsidized sessions with a psychologist, and then you can reassess after that. And I think they'll do them in like four blocks or something thereafter. Um, but there are some great community services and and and online services that you can go down. Um of course, there's podcasts, there is also um doing your own research. But again, I I don't recommend that for an actual fix. I re I do recommend that to get insight into things, and you might relate to certain stories or certain things may trigger something in you, and you go, Oh, that is me. How do I deal with that? Or how did that person deal with that? And it could be breath work or meditation or whatever it is, but then seek that seek that support thereafter. Don't don't use those tools as your way of healing. Um, move forward, as we always say intentionally. It's about uh, you know, it's a journey of progression or perfection, it's going to take time. And that's what the walk is built on. Um, find those people who want to walk beside you. If you do need any help or any guidance, or you want, you know, whatever it may be. As I have said, I'm not a medical practitioner. I can't give you therapy, but what I can do is speak from lived experience. And if there's something that's on your mind that you do want to talk about, by all means get in touch. I can guide you in the direction that I went down. Um, or happy just to even have the conversation. Just be a set of ears for someone um out there who needs it and may not have it in their home. So just remember pressure. Always go somewhere. And the only question that is where are you putting it? So don't put it into things that you love and care about. Put it into your own healing, is my biggest advice. Thank you for tuning in. I'm Jay Dunley, and this is the walk.